How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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