Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
