it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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