she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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