Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
