Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
