You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
