ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
