I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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