According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
