Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
