She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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