i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.