i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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