I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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