I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
