Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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