You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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