totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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