I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
