Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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