My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
