I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
