hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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