Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
