i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
