you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just tell him i said nine months
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
