Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
