Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
