There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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