There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
