if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize