Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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