my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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