Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
