Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I puked a lego.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
