Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
