there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
