that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
