If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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