last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
