I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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