I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
