david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
