I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
