the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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