she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
