he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
