Redeem this text for a blowjob
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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