Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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