R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
