I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
