the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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