Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
