I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
